Alternative 2016 Presidential Candidates from Literature

I’m not going to tell you who to vote for. That’s not what I do here at ELACommonCoreLessonPlans.com. Nor will I tell you who I’m voting for—you don’t care.

I do know this. We could do worse.

Alternative 2016 Presidential Candidates from Literature

Candidate: Diana Moon Glampers from “Harrison Bergeron” by Kurt Vonnegut

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Qualifications: Served as Handicapper General in the early 2080's. Single-handedly apprehended and killed dangerous fugitive with a shotgun on national TV. Driving force behind passage of the 212th, 213th, and 214th amendments to the Constitution.

Campaign Slogan: "Equality for all!" Of course, like most politicians who use campaign slogans that appeal to the masses, she won't actually explain what she means by "equality for all." Her plan is to use this particular slogan to create class envy and convince the masses that they aren't successful because of successful people.

Outlook. Glampers' chance of winning hinges on her ability to take advantage of other candidates' handicaps. Although rules disqualify her from placing artificial impediments on her opponents.... (OK, insert your own joke here depending on your political leanings).

Candidate: Deutscher from "A Sound of Thunder"

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Qualifications. Deutscher has actually been president in the future. His ability to manipulate scientific achievement and discoveries—an important skill for the modern politician—turned (will turn) him from a loser to a winner overnight. Or was it over a 65 million-year period? There is speculation that Deutscher manipulated time travel to win the future election, but it's only speculation.

Campaign Slogan: "I'm against everything!" He's not only against illegal immigration. He's against immigration. Heck, he's even against people who already live here. If you want to get rid of (fill in the blank with a group you hate), get on board the Deutscher bandwagon.

Outlook. All it took for him to win his first election in the future was to have an incompetent hunter go back in time and step on a butterfly. It's apparent that Deutscher will capitalize on the negativity revolving around both candidates by being vehemently against both of them.

Big Brother from 1984

Big Brother will take care of everything.

Big Brother will take care of everything.

Qualifications. He's already been leader since before 1984 and has an excellent command of history. He makes those people who changed global warming to climate change in order to advance their agenda look like the 5th grade student council at E.B. White Elementary School.

Campaign Slogan: "Big Brother is watching." What a comforting message during these troubled times. Riots? Big Brother is there to protect you. Terrorist attacks? You have nothing to worry about because Big Brother is there. Not sure what bathroom to use? Big Brother does. And all you have to do for the safety of Big Brother is give up all your freedom.

Outlook. Big Brother's mastery of media manipulation will facilitate his strategy of stirring up fear. It's this fear that Big Brother plans to use in order to get people to trade in their freedoms for safety.

Colonel Graff from Ender's Game

Qualifications. Although Ender Wiggin gets credit for the destruction of the Formics, it was possible only because of the master manipulations of Battle School director Colonel Graff. Graff's ensuing court martial trial only made him more popular.

Campaign Slogan: "Whatever it takes!" Graff will do whatever it takes to take down terrorists and restore America's economic power. And by "whatever it takes," Graff has no limits. His manipulation of the child Wiggin and ensuing destruction of an entire race of aliens proves his willingness to go the extra mile.

Outlook. Any good politician needs to be able to manipulate the media. And Graff has plenty of experience manipulating. His ability to use mind games and technology to get the results he wants will play a large role in his potential success.

General Zaroff from "The Most Dangerous Game"

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Qualifications. Zaroff was the first and only governor of Ship-Trap Island. He turned a deserted island into a center of cultural refinement and created a new sport that served as the island's economic engine.

Campaign Slogan: "Gun Control." Zaroff was able to rule his island primarily because he was the only one with a gun. By not allowing citizens of the island to carry weapons, he was able to get away with murder. As with Big Brother, Zaroff will convince the public to trade in their freedom for safety.

Outlook. Zaroff has little or no experience with populations of more than 5. His ironic anti-gun message will not go over well with gun owners and 2nd amendment supporters.


 

 

 

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